My Life in a Nut Shell

I was always so embarrassed of what I experienced and never wanted to tell people my story. I have come to a point in my life of acceptance and forgiveness. I hope that my story will inspire anyone that is in a low point in their life and to know there is hope at the end of the tunnel. We have all experienced or are experiencing a tragedy, a hardship and low point in our lives. Our experience comes in forms of many different capacities and we all handle it in many different ways. I believe how we handle it is our choice. We all must find the strength within ourselves, find the support and most importantly be able to accept and receive the support. Support may not always come in the form of your expectation, but if you can look at it in a positive light and accept what is given, you will see that support and acceptance is always there.

Here is my story….

When I was fifteen years old my parents were going through a bitter separation. My sister, who is one year younger than myself and I chose to stay with my mom and my dad left the city. The downward spiral happened so fast.

Let me back up a little bit. My mom was always the cool mom. She ran marathons, baked every week, cooked delicious meals, volunteered at the Children’s Hospital and volunteered at our school. All our friends loved our mom. She was so beautiful inside and out.

Then the dark days approached. Things started to go missing from the house, our computer, fax machine, jewellery, clothes. Hmm..always an excuse. My mom was “lending” it to a friend. Then she was gone in the nights, nights would turn into days. Long, long, long story short. My mom was heavily addicted to cocaine. I was in so much disbelief. How could this be happening? I didn’t want to believe it. I kept this secret inside for so long.

A year magically went by, I got through Grade 10. How could things get worse? They did.. my moms physical appearance got really bad. She was very skinny, bloody noses, she just didn’t care at all. Not only was she addicted to the cocaine, she was addicted to alcohol, vicodin and percocet. No electricity, no food and our home was in foreclosure. I remember my sister and I would just eat potatoes. That is all we could afford. We found money laying around the house and go buy a 5 pound bag of potatoes and eat just one for dinner.

When was the end for me? This was the end for me.. I remember she woke me up in the middle of a school night with my ex-boyfriend. They sat me down at the kitchen table telling me “If they had a gun, they would shoot me.” and he said to me “If you were a guy, I would smash your f*cking face in”. My mother continued to emotionally and verbally abuse me. She decided to have my ex-boyfriend move in with her. This is when I decided to leave and go live with my grandmother.  I made the choice to get out and start living a healthy life. She is my saving grace.

So much has happened over the course of the last 20 years. We all have been through hell and back with my mother. She is a drug addict, a compulsive liar and mastermind manipulator.  We have done the jail visits, court cases, doctors and counselling. It was taken my whole family heartache, lie and after lie to get to a point of acceptance. I have a strong family foundation and was able to tell them everything that had been going on. They opened up their arms with love and support. My aunt and uncle welcomed me as a part of their family. I was able to escape and be a part of “family” by spending time at the lake, going on family trips and continuing to spend all holidays together.  I am blessed to have them all in my life.

This is part of my life in a nut shell. If I wrote all the details, I think I could write a book. I have had some really dark days in my life. I could have went down a different path. I chose not to. I found that strength inside and said to myself “This too shall pass”.  It did. I had to grow up fast. I had to take care of myself. I have been working since I was 13 years old. Everything I have, I have worked hard for, on my own. I approach life with grace, I live authentically and with compassion. This is why I am so grateful for all the little things in life. I know what it is like to have nothing.

Life is going to throw us many different obstacles in life. It’s how you deal with them, that is your choice and no one else’s. Tackle those obticales whatever they may be with grace and turn them into a life lesson.  To get to the point of acceptance and forgiveness did not happen over night. It took years and years.I understand now that my mom has her journey and I have my own. I will always love my mom and I pray she will find her peace.

Love & Light

Sarah